Lumbersexuals: A Phony Throwback To The Ice Age.

Dan Haggerty as "Grizzly Adams." The real deal.

Most of my brothers and I looked like “lumbersexuals” at one time or another. We all grew beards, cut down trees, planted trees, sawed or chopped cords of wood, wore flannel shirts, and occasionally wore logger suspenders. We aspired to look like Dan Haggerty (Grizzly Adams), but none of us had full beards. One of us actually was a logger, (he was a manager for a logging company). Then the 80s and 90s came along and most of my brothers and myself morphed into clean-cut metrosexuals. We stayed metrosexuals for the next thirty-five years, and wore Jerry Garcia ties to work. Sometimes we regressed and grew beards, but the heyday of looking like lumbersexuals had passed. We had all endured the passing fads, and I expect the fad of looking like a lumberjack (without being a lumberjack) will pass as well. So if you are clean-shaven, don’t change; shave as usual. Q: Yo, lumbersexual hipsters! Do you really think now is a good time to look like you’re followers of Islam? True loggers have body odor, and little flecks of sawdust in their beards. They have dirt under their fingernails, and lots of muscles they didn’t get from a gym workout. They are the real deal, not hipsters in Portlandia. Real loggers don’t have to get their bodies covered with tattoos to be cool. They go to art museums to see art, not let some dufus inject ink under their skin, of a shrieking skull. Sorry, I had to release my pent-up beardless tension.

Many of the most famous men in history had beards, like Abe Lincoln, Moses, and Jesus. Beards were right up there with the creation of the wheel, and fire, and beards came first. Adam, the first man, is depicted as being without a beard. I think they got that wrong. I believe he looked like Tom Selleck with a beard. If you loved Dan Haggerty as Grizzly Adams, you might be a fan of beards. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1Cye7d5EHI

We are an easily swayed species. Many women prefer bad boys to Calvin Klein models. One assumes women like the obvious differences between men and women, since most women cannot grow full beards. My ex wife used to talk about wanting to grow a beard. She had beard envy. Maybe she isn’t alone. In metro areas of Oregon I’ve seen many women playing the role of the man in lesbian relationships. Flannel and suspenders are de rigueur of this lifestyle (sans beards). It doesn’t explain the thousands of years Native American women preferred their men clean-shaven. Native American men mostly could not grow beards, but they had something most Caucasian men don’t have: really good heads of hair that can be braided and styled in a thousand ways by their women.

In this case, I am referring to Caucasian men. Picture the Brawny Paper Towel guy, but with a beard. Visualize a sweaty, dirty man with an unkempt beard whose beard awakens primal memories in womens’ DNA.  In some women’s collective ancestral memory, from hundreds of thousands of years ago, there is a half-naked bearded man in the mouth of a cave with his spear or club in one hand, and a dead animal in the other hand. “Honey, I’m home!” bellows the man. This cave man image pushes some women’s ancient buttons. A bearded man equals ‘He will protect me, and find me fresh meat to cook.’ His beard says he is a provider and his wife and children won’t stave. Man does not live by roots and berries alone. You need a fat, juicy, rare slab of mammoth steak once in awhile. You need the bearded man chucking the spear with his bearded bros when the cave bear shows up. Women who are turned on by bearded men, don’t see the flannel. They see the cave man in a loincloth. Women have better senses of smell than men for a reason. They can smell their man a half a mile away. But the modern men with beards are much cleaner than their Ice Age forebears. View this clip from “Sands of the Kalihari,” with Stuart Whitman. This is the epitome of everything I am writing here: Bearded man against civilization, and baboons! Bearded man gets the girl. Bearded man, GOOD! https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y5QLvoLxSow

Women being attracted to the top ape in ancient times is not that different from modern human society. The top ape gets to impregnate the top woman. A man’s worthiness is still based on his ability to provide. Money equals security. It still is that way for most women. But not all bearded men are good providers. This is where the logic of it breaks down. Ask a woman in her twenties or thirties what a sexy man looks like, and surprisingly a fair number of them will point to the dirty bearded man with a blue collar job. The welder, the dude riding the Harley Hog, the logger, the mechanic get second looks. Dirty men are exciting men, with loads of testosterone! If there had been a survey in the 1990s (and I’m sure there were) women would have been gaga over Brad Pitt lookalikes. Now Brad, and other celebrities, like Ben Affleck for example, have beards. One woman told me in the 1980s, “Men who grow beards have something to hide,” such as a double chin, a wicked scar, crooked teeth, etc. For much of the 20^th and early 21^st century most women would confide that the idea of kissing a man with a beard was gross. But go back to the 19^th century and beards were the thing! The further you go back the more beards you’ll see. But how can kissing a mouthful of hair be exciting? Women have told me beards and mustaches make their lips and noses itch. Is there anything more sexy than a bearded man eating soup? I don’t think so! The use of paper napkins alone would be like clearcutting a forest.

We can blame the Ice Age for this deviant thinking about facial hair. Granted, some men are better off with beards. Some men’s facial hair is so thick they have to shave twice a day. Don’t blame women. It goes back to the beginnings of the human race.  A beard kept a man’s face warm.  But who needs a beard in Southern California?

Lumbersexuals usually only cut their hair for fashion reasons. They are only pretending to be real loggers.  Real loggers wear hardhats, so it makes sense to have buzz cuts. Real loggers also chew snuff, which isn’t a habit most lumbersexuals have adopted because it destroys the effects attained by spending five-hundred dollars to have their teeth whitened. Imagine kissing a lumbersexual with snuff spittle in his beard and a lump in his lower lip. Here, honey, get some mouth cancer! Mmmm. Not gonna happen. However, in Sweden, chewing snuff is very popular, (for men and women), but not so much in Portland or Seattle. Imagine beautiful blonde women in Sweden chewing snuff and spitting on sidewalks. Are you grossed out yet? So the lack of snuff is also an indicator that a man is only pretending to be a macho man with a beard.

I will never be a lumbersexual because I've actually cut down trees with chainsaws. I have also worked on fishing boats in the Bering Sea. I’ve done all the things a man does to build a house. I know my way around tools. I am the real deal, but I'm too vain to grow a salt and pepper beard. Some men can pull it off, but not me. I’ve grown a beard a few times, and I had a big mustache and French tickler for over five years. Here is a photo of me with a mustache and French tickler. Do I look happy? How could anyone know how I was feeling with this giant mustache? I have to admit, it did make me look dashing. But I was an imposter!

Me with my big mustache.

Beards require way too much care. Lumbersexuals are supposed to not care that their beards are wild. This is all a sham. Men do care. They are as vain as women. I spend too much time in the bathroom as it is. Having a beard (or mustache) was like having to mow my lawn five times a week. The problem with facial hair for men over forty-five is that facial hair is one of the first body hair that goes gray. I just can't see myself dying my beard. If I take up prospecting, or become a recluse in Idaho or Montana I suppose a long gray beard makes sense. I like the look of my big mustache, but the upkeep is time consuming. I will never be a lumbersexual. I’m too vain to grow a beard full of gray hairs. I want to look young, and beards make me look old. My older brother told me he often has young women flirting with him. For a while he was flattered, then he realized the women were not being flirty, they were being nice to him because he was old enough to be their fathers. I am having the same problem, and a beard would be the worst cure for my midlife crisis. So I guess I'll have to look clean cut as Donny Osmond until I die. They say that hair grows after you're dead, so perhaps all men grow beards in their coffins. That's a sobering thought. I wonder if they wax their mustaches in Heaven?