The Wonders of Gorilla Glue.

My friend, the writer, says I should be a spokesperson for Gorilla Glue. I am enamored with this wonderful glue, however I must caution any novice user to be very careful about getting it on your hands or clothes. It will give a whole new meaning to that film "Stuck on you."

And you thought Super Glue was king of the world.

What is Gorilla Glue made of? My guess is it is some form of caramel apple formula gone mad. I think someone in Wonka-Land came up with it. Maybe it was Gene Wilder's idea. It would explain his strange hair. He used to have normal hair until he went into the lab and came out with Gorilla Glue. It would also explain why Gilda Radner was so attracted to him. Gene: "The Oompa-Loompa's can be FIXED! Gilda, hand me that bottle of Gorilla Glue!"

CAUTION: Don't touch anything you or your significant other hold dear, like the fender of your gal's Alfa Romeo Spider Veloce, or that mink stole in the closet, or the fine china her mother gave you, or anything you don't want bonded, or you may find yourself in a legal battle. When you don't need Gorilla Glue, keep it in a cabinet away from the kids and your  in-laws, and anyone with dementia. It is not a toy! This is the science of glue-ology!

Often, after having solved yet another impossible problem with Gorilla Glue, I launch into an impromptu TV spot that goes something like this: "Is your life falling apart? Can't hold your marriage together? Tired of flip-flops with too much flip, and not enough flop? Got something that has lost its staying power? Use Gorilla Glue! New improved Gorilla Glue makes everything like new! Got a loose thinga-ma-jigger? Is your whatcha-ma-callit making you blue? Get Gorilla Glue!"

My friend says I should take photos of all the things I have fixed with Gorilla Glue. She says I should take a photo of me by the Gorilla Glue display in Ace Hardware. She wants me to become a spokesperson for the company, and thinks they might support me like Nike supports athletes.

I am not so sure. It is not that I am unwilling, I just figure it can't be that easy. Just because I like a product doesn't make me special. Or does it?

I am going to write to Gorilla Glue, and see what they say. If it worked for Jared Fogle, why not me? I might even get along with Fogle, if we met at a spokesperson convention. I would walk up to him with a Subway foot long and say, "Hey, bro, awesome foot long!"

When I first began using Gorilla Glue I was unaware of its strengths. I simply wanted to fix my European type sandals. So without comprehending the amount to use, I put a good bit of it on the heels which were doing a lot of flipping and flopping. Then I put the sandals on the floor and went to bed.

In the morning I looked down at the sandals and my first thought was that an alien life-form had begun to eat them. The Gorilla Glue had expanded five times its size, just like the small type on the back of the bottle explained that it would. Thankfully, I was able to trim off the excess glue with a razor blade.

But after that I was rolling. I used it all over the house, which is built in the Cotswold style. Back then, in jolly old England, they did not have Gorilla Glue. If they had they might have bonded the bricks and stone with Gorilla Glue. "Bloody well right!" they would have said.

I will get back to you with what the makers of Gorilla Glue reply to my sticky note, er, my email.